THE POST ABOUT NOTHING

i was going to write something.

first, it was going to be something proud, proclaiming my masculinity and stubbornness.

but i don't really feel masculine or stubborn.

then i was going to write a haiku about how i miss her sometimes.

but who am i kidding? i don't really miss her. and i was having trouble thinking of a good 5 syllable way to start it anyway.

then i realized that sounded pretty stubborn.

but i still wanted to write a haiku, and that's really not that masculine.

my stomach started hurting, so i became preoccupied with that for awhile.

i want a sandwich.

no, i want to write something.

what i really want is to be able to go to sleep.

see, for years i've needed some noise to be able to fall asleep. i've normally fallen asleep with the tv on or my computer playing a dvd. i need the noise so i don't think about things.

thinking about things makes it hard to sleep.

not even deep things. sometimes i think about how old my nieces and nephews will be when i'm 40, or that when i'm 33, my mom will be 66. and when my youngest niece is 30, my sister will be 60.

sometimes i think that i've spent over one-fifth of my life without my dad, and i wonder what it would be like if i could talk to him now. i never got a chance to drink a beer with him.

so i need noise. so i don't think about things.

i didn't have noise tonight, and my stomach hurts. so i started thinking about stuff.

the only other times i've been able to sleep without noise is when i was sleeping next to her.

when i started out, this post was going to be called "ma jolie".

god, that's french.

and so pretentious.

it means "my pretty". it's a painting by picasso that i like a whole bunch.

its supposedly a woman with a guitar, but of course it doesnt look like that. but it doesn't have to, because it's beautiful.

i used to call her ma jolie.

it was supposedly love, but of course it didnt work like that. but it didn't have to, because it was beautiful.

i guess that sums up my thoughts about it better than anything else.