ON INSOMNIA

the noise didn't help last night. still couldn't sleep.

i've been somewhat trying to ween myself off it, but i always think too much at night.

last night the topics ranged between "i don't think hell really exists" to "i really should have been nicer when she came over on sunday." there were other, more trivial ones... but i didn't spend as much time on them.

as far as hell goes, i've been pretty convinced it doesn't exist for awhile. or, if it does, it's not at all what we think it is. actually, i bet we get all of everything wrong. in my mind, hell is pretty much just separation from god, which could be hell enough. but the whole eternal damnation never sat well with me. infinite punishment for finite sins doesn't seem just. and really, i think the whole concept of evil is man-made.

blarg, a blog hardly seems the proper medium to write about the concept of hell. i don't even know what brought it on last night, really. its not like i just made up my mind about it last night, i've thought that for a while. but that's the kind of thing that happens at night when the world gets quiet.

it has gotten to the point where i have to bring my laptop with me if i'm going to be sleeping somewhere different. my mom makes fun of me and says things like "you just can't go anywhere without that computer. what would you do without the internet?" but really, it's so that i'll be able to sleep at night. i really need the noise of something so i don't go off thinking about things and keep myself up.

clock just struck 4. looks like a long night tonight, too.

most of the time i don't complain about it. i always thought there was something exciting and poetic about nighttime. i remember one day talking to my dad - he used to always wake up hours before everyone else. he'd wake up, go downstairs, make his coffee, get the newspaper and work on the crossword puzzle, toss on some light jazz music and smoke a cigarette in the kitchen. he said something along the lines of "i love that time of the day. that's my ME time. everything is quiet. the world hasn't woken up yet. its just me, doing the things i like to do."

i feel that way late at night. in fact, i used to sneak out of mom and dad's house sometimes after everyone was asleep and just go for a walk down the street. its comforting being the only person in the world sometimes.

but lately, i haven't been able to enjoy it. i guess there are too many things going on in my life right now that i feel scared about, and i don't necessarily like being alone in the world lately. i think i've found that i enjoy companionship.