THE TRAIN

i've always loved the sound of a train at night. how the complete blackness and silence just get ripped apart by steel, lights, and horns. the smooth and steady click-clanking of wheels over rails. one just went by as i began to write this. it's gone now, and i'm left in silence again.

i miss it.

i grew up in a house that was close to some railroad tracks. many nights i would lie in bed and hear the distant horns go by. i don't think its coincidence at all that this place where i'm living now is also by railroad tracks, and also feels safe and like home.

TWENTY NINE

why hello, internet. i'm sorry for neglecting you. there are many things i should do more often; i haven't painted at all in... gosh, a year? longer? that is too long. and i haven't written in here in forever as well. 

you see, internet, for the past year i have been so physically and emotionally drained. there wasn't much time to wax poetic or try to find weird ways to connect number theory into my every day life. for most of the past six months, i was working two jobs and had no days off. i had to wake up at 5am (4am on sundays), and half of my time was spent doing a job i knew was beneath me. it was really hard to be happy knowing that i should be doing something more. 

so i didn't have time to express myself. i'm finding it just gets to be that way the further i am from art school. life just seems to get in the way sometimes.

there was a silver lining, though. where i said half of my time was spent at a job i hated, the other half was spent learning new, exciting things at a different job. a job with friends that made me feel much happier just by being around them. a job that taught me a marketable skill, and finally helped to ease my crippling fear of getting that elusive big boy job.

everything is happening all at once. in less than 60 hours, i will be living with my girlfriend of over two years (she just getting a big girl job herself), and there really isn't much that could make me happier than that. but add the fact that i'm going to be making enough money to live comfortably, and i'm surrounded by some really great people, and life is really looking pretty fantastic lately.

26 seems so long ago. when i was just waiting for my life to get together. waiting for some meaning. i was trying to build my cube (if you don't know what i'm talking about, internet, i suggest you go back and read this blog's first entry). it's interesting to note that 29 is the sum of three consecutive squares (4, 9, and 16), and there are three things that are making me happy:

* new job

* new house with girlfriend

* new dog (as soon as we get in the new house)

since a cube is six squares, i guess i have to find three other things to shoot for:

* debt paid off

* a wedding

* a kid?

hopefully it doesn't have to follow the consecutive square pattern, or else i'd be 139 when i finally reach total happiness.

i definitely feel like the last month has been a huge step in the right direction, though. that cube isn't far off.

i'll try to update more often, internet. i promise. nowadays, i might just have time to do it. 

TWENTY EIGHT AND HAPPINESS

so, if you know anything about this blog, you know it's about numbers relating to real life circumstances. i have a weird obsession with thinking about how old i am, taking that number, and seeing if i can relate it to my life in any way. like, when i turned 25, i started seeing fives everywhere, and i realized that since my dad died when i was 20, that i had spent 1/5th of my life without him. that was a crazy realization.

of course, this blog's name comes from the number 26, as i was 26 when i made it. i felt like i was in a weird state of purgatory, between the life i left behind and the life i wanted to attain. 26 is a number that is between a square (25 = 5x5) and a cube (27=3x3x3). so it made sense to me that that is the way i felt.

well, 27 came and went, folks. some parts of my life are much better. i love this city, and i met a pretty cool girl that i want to keep around. i decided what i want to do with my life, but i still need to get it. the main thing that's getting in the way of my total happiness is the job that i want. everything else is pretty sweet.

i think 28 is the year i can attain total happiness, either by taking more steps towards becoming an art teacher, or by finding something else that makes me feel fulfilled. why do i think 28 is the year? 28 is what's called a happy number.

it's weird to explain, so here's what wikipedia says:

a happy number is defined by the following process. starting with any positive integer, replace the number by the sum of the squares of its digits, and repeat the process until the number equals 1 (where it will stay), or it loops endlessly in a cycle which does not include 1. those numbers for which this process ends in 1 are happy numbers, while those that do not end in 1 are unhappy numbers (or sad numbers).

meaning:
2 squared (4) + 8 squared (64) = 68
6 squared (36) + 8 squared (64) = 100
and of course, 1 squared plus 0 = 1.

so there you have it. obscure number theory and mathematics guarantee that i'll be happy this year. bring it on.

*addendum* i just realized that 28 is also the number of days in the menstrual cycle. it might not be a completely happy year, after all.

THE RETURN

i dont want this blog to lose its function or become of no use to me.
it started as a coping mechanism for me after i decided to uproot and plant myself somewhere semiforeign. after i decided to move here, i needed to come to this place (however infrequently) and just say something about my life. i feel like i dont need to cope anymore. my craziness has subsided, and i feel at home here now.
but the desire to say something - whether for catharsis' sake or not - is back, so here i am.
i might just use this space as a place to post pictures ive taken. like this one

VULNERABILITY

there are certain moments when the veil cascades down, tenderly unmasking the inner beauty and divinity that connects us all, making us naked and intimate in the highest sense. where profoundly we have the ability to see the commonality of experience manifest itself in warm subtleties of human emotion. safely nestled in life's bosom, enraptured by the simple delicate things. we must not be afraid of being vulnerable, for it is by letting go of our inhibition that we are able to see each others hearts.

FROM MONOLOGUES FOR CALCULATING THE DENSITY OF BLACK HOLES

"...the next day my mom came over. she gave me a note and five dollars. she said: 'take this and buy yourself something nice'.

i would, but i'm not me, and so i don't know what i would want."


"i've never heard god actually talk to me, but he does sometimes call me up and breathe heavily into the phone"

that pretty much sums it up lately.

SIXTY

sixty is the sum of a pair of twin primes (29 + 31), as well as the sum of four consecutive primes (11 + 13 + 17 + 19). it is adjacent to two prime numbers (59,61). it is also the smallest number which is the sum of two odd primes in 6 ways.

my dad would have been 60 years old today, so i would like to talk about what a prime individual he was.

every positive character trait that i feel i possess - i took from him. he taught me how to be an honest, caring, and good man, and to surround myself with honest, caring, good people. men like him are in short supply.

and sixty is also the number of seconds in a minute, and minutes in an hour. i cant help but think about all the time that has passed without him here. all the things that have happened. about how the time we have is so precious.

happy birthday dad.